It's true...

Lately, I have really been moved by undeserved kindness. It's just incredible the love that God has poured out for us through sending His Son to the Cross to die for our sins. It's also incredible to watch the outpouring of that through the people around me.

I am amazed when I live real, mucky, true, grungy, and honest life-on-life with people. They see my sin and they still choose to love me. I'm not sure if there is a better depiction of the unconditional love of God and of grace and mercy than this. This semester has been definitely been one of "real" life. It's been a semester of the yuck just oozing out of me, but in that process I have seen more the beauty of the Cross and the beauty of Him displayed through those around me who keep on loving, assuring, comforting, forgiving, and walking with me through it. Thank you to so many this semester and throughout my entire life who have shown me the love of Christ in the way you interact with me.

I have been moved by the small things people do to show me their love and concern. The selflessness that has been displayed when I am upset, the laying down of their lives to consider mine, and the minute acts of kindness they do to display their love for me (they can because of Jesus's love for them). On a daily basis I am preached the Gospel through the actions and kindness of those who surround me.

I am undeserving. I am a filthy, adulterous, loathsome, and despicable beggar. I am a created being who spurns my Creator daily. I spit in the face of the One who shows ultimate kindness to me. I run away, I cheat on Him with other lovers, and I choose lesser loves so easily. And most of the time, I don't even consider how my actions sting Him.

Yet, despite all of this He shows me incredible kindness. I am so moved by the kindness of my King and how He keeps giving me good things I don't deserve and not giving me the terrible things I deserve. Thank you to those of you who have been evidences of this in my life. You have moved me to greater worship of our Creator and I couldn't be more thankful for you.

Proverbs 24:10

"If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small"

Only a few days left, no fainting allowed. (That was a pep talk for myself and for you if you need it).

It's been awhile....

I haven't utilized this blog in a while and think it is probably time. I keep typing sentences and then deleting them. Yep. That one is staying. Moving on. Let me just tell you some Truth.

God truly is sovereign, compassionate, and good. I think that's been a theme of the semester for me. He knows what He is doing and He withholds nothing good from us. Our mighty King. An unchanging Rock. That's my King. Though everything in our lives can change in a split second, He remains constant and He remains in control.

I love seeing His sovereignty, compassion, and goodness in my life.... but I think I almost love seeing it more in the lives of the people around me. I love seeing that He is taking care of them, come what may. I love how He is the orchestrator of all things. He can take care of so many people, all at once, and have what is best for Himself and them in mind all the time.

Seasons in life are an interesting concept. All seasons come to a close eventually and though you may mourn the loss of a season, God has another season right around the corner waiting for you. He knows the season that you need and will withhold nothing good.

That's my King.

He is the One I praise as the giver of all good things and He is One I praise when things are taken away, because our sovereign, compassionate, and good God knows best.

That's my King!

What a day!

That's all I can say thus far. But November 15th has turned out to be QUITE the memorable day.....

New blog post....

Like the title? It tells you something you didn't know, eh? :-D

Something new* that I love about Jesus.

His hospitality. The sermon at Church this morning was about hospitality. The pastor talked a lot about a lot of the different aspects of hospitality throughout the Bible, but the point that struck me the most was when he talked about Luke 14.

"Then Jesus said to his host, "When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. 13But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, 14and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous."

He just talked about the importance of being hospitable to those who cannot repay us because that is exactly what Jesus did for us. We were poor, crippled, lame, and blind and He walked up to us, healed us, and then shared all He had with us. Jesus shared his life with us. He died on the Cross for us, poor and wretched though we were. We had no way to repay Him and He knew that. He died for us anyway. May we show that portrait of grace to all who are around us, especially those who cannot repay.

Oh Precious Lord, thank You so much for sharing Your life with us. You left the comfort of Heaven to come down and rescue poor and wretched sinners like myself. You knew we could never repay You, yet You chose to sacrifice all You had for us anyway. I am so moved by Your sacrifice and pray that You move others in the same way. Lord, may we as a body paint this portrait of grace to all those around us. May others be moved by Your hospitality through our actions.

*new- meaning something new to me about Jesus. Jesus was before the beginning of time and is unchanging, yet every day I discover new* things about Him.

The Cross

So, lately I started a new journal of things that I love about the Cross and this is the latest entry. I hope it brings you as much joy as it does me!

"Jesus is the One to whom we cling past, present, and future.

When our past sins threaten to encompass us and to freeze us with guilt it is to His Cross we can run, hold on for dear life, lift up our feet, and truly leave those old sins on the ground where they can no longer touch us. Due to the Cross, they no longer have any hold over us. They are not our master and cannot hold us any longer.

Also, our present inadequacies hold no sway over us. The fact that we cannot be successful in any endeavor on our own is completely fine. It is no cause for shame, but rather boasting. There is no shame in having to thrust oneself upon the old rugged tree. It is in His strength alone that we can accomplish anything and we must abandon ourselves to that.

We also are not in control of the future. Our grapplings to understand or control what is ahead are completely inadequate. We hold no sway over what is to come. When the anxieties of that threaten to overwhelm us to the Cross we can cling. We can hold fast to the Truth that death and satan were conquered and now God has good plans for us.

I wrap my whole being around the solid rock that is the Cross. To allow myself to focus on anything else is to be overcome with anxiety. With reckless abandon I hold onto the One who has purchased all good things for me.

The inadequacies of the past, my incompetence to handle the present, and my inability to control the future all haunt me until on that hallowed ground I am able to surrender."

Death.

Seriously. What's the deal? SO many people that my friends and I are close to have passed away lately. Geesh.

All I can think of now is that death makes eternity so much more real.

Keep fighting because the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing to the glory that is to be revealed in us when Jesus returns.

And He will return.

Please be on His side.

I REALLY should journal more...

It would probably help avoid break down nights, such as tonight.

The consensus of tonight?

-The things facing me right now are hard. They are big. They are challenging.

-The God I serve is bigger. He wants to show Himself bigger than even a VERY large compilation of big things.

This God loves defeating armies with fewer men. He loves waiting for the last moment to provide finances for people to go overseas. Mainly, He loves His glory and those things bring Him glory.

He wants to be glorified in my life now and for me to have faith in Him that He is bigger than everything facing me.

Being vague is almost as fun as doing that other thing...

So, I am in a blogging mood. I am not sure how this is going to all work out, but you are going to get an entry. I am also in a very vague mood, so it will probably be a vague entry.

I had a girl ask me today what I have been learning lately in my walk with the Lord and the overarching theme of what I have been learning is to seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and everything else will be taken care of. This applies in so many arenas: future, dating, school, girls I am meeting with, etc.

Life is overwhelming for me right now. There are so so so so so so so so so so so so so SO many unknowns floating around in this cloud of fog we like to call the future. I am thankful I serve a God that is trustworthy with my life. A God who withholds nothing good from those whom He loves. A God who goes before all things and holds all things together.

Lord, may You help me to have a vision of You that will be the death of me. To count ALL things as rubbish in comparison to knowing You, precious King. Jesus, as all these unknowns are scary, please help me to fear and love and know you more. You are trustworthy and though I may have to give up my life and my fears hundreds of times each day, You are worth it.

Contentment in Jesus

*Is really hard sometimes
*Is worth fighting for and sacrificing for because it's so beautiful.

That's all I got.

Silly songs with Larry: And all because I can't sleep.

These are all songs written while overseas. I don't know what it is about being overseas that makes you crazy and write crazy songs, but hope you enjoy:

Jioazi (a delicious Asian food) song (Creative title, eh?)

Jioazi, jioazi, jioazi
Hao hun chi food (Very delicious food)
I eat you when I'm hun e (very hungry)
And my stomach says you're good.

Jioazi, jioazi, jioazi
Wo ai ni til I die (I love you til' I die)
And when I leave Asia
Without you I will cry.

(And the last verse dedicated to the other KT on my team)

Jioazi, jioazi, jioazi
Filled with cabbage and with beans
Delicious out of my mind, just don't stand behind my behind.

Jioazi.

Chenglish Song.

Talk, very beautiful people tree.
Chenglish, you are the language for me.
Don't mention it, we sing Chenglish song for you
No problem, no extra cost, no thing, no thing but sing.

Chinese and English what a beautiful mix
You bring me joy my Chenglish fix
Better than coffee you fix me, no bandaid sticks on me like you
My chenglish fix.

Boys song

Boys are gross and weird
They smell and they have beards
They aren't very smart and they like to fart (or break your heart, depending on the mood you are in)
Boys are gross and weird

This next verse was written by guys, so don't blame me for it.

Boys are slow and dumb
They like to suck their thumb
They are low on grace and they punch you in the face
Boys are slow and dumb

And this verse, I wrote today

Men are spiritually strong
Boys they lead you along
Men protect your heart their own comfort they impart
So don't date boys, date only men
And remember Jesus is your perfect ten!

Um, yeah. Sillyness I know, but I love it. LOVE IT.

Giving up...

In the Christian life we are called to give up so many things, yet never give up. Oh, semantics. How ridiculous you are sometimes.

Lately, my walk with God has just been growing and thriving in ways that I haven't seen in so long. It is very exciting....very, very exciting.... but I have been called to give up so many things in my life that have become such a part of me.

Oh Jesus, please give me a vision of You that will be the death of me. Please give me the heart portrayed in the following Words.

Phil 3: 1, 7-19

1Finally, my brothers, rejoice in the Lord! It is no trouble for me to write the same things to you again, and it is a safeguard for you.

7But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
15All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. 16Only let us live up to what we have already attained.

17Join with others in following my example, brothers, and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you. 18For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. 20But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

Jesus, I don't want my mind to be set on earthly things. Please be my sustainment, my fulfillment in this time of need. Please help me press on and count ALL things as loss in order to know you more.

Good words....

I have been really anxious lately for a number of reasons, but these Words were brought to my attention. Oh how good they are.

Psalm 124: 1-6

1 If the LORD had not been on our side—
let Israel say-
2 if the LORD had not been on our side
when men attacked us,

3 when their anger flared against us,
they would have swallowed us alive;

4 the flood would have engulfed us,
the torrent would have swept over us,

5 the raging waters
would have swept us away.

6 Praise be to the LORD,
who has not let us be torn by their teeth.

Psalm 125: 1-2

1 Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion,
which cannot be shaken but endures forever.
2 As the mountains surround Jerusalem,
so the LORD surrounds his people
both now and forevermore.

You silly goose....

Last night I had a dream about Brandon (If you don't know who I am referring to go back to my entry titled life and death). It was so real that I didn't realize until the middle of the Church service this morning that it was only a dream. All I remember of the dream is that he was smiling. One of his huge, genuine, but still goofy smiles. One like this...



or one like this....



God gives to His beloved in their sleep.... and I really think this was a way that He blessed me with one last encounter with a dear brother. To bless me in a way that really encourages me to fight to finish strong in the faith, as Brandon did. It is so strange to know that he isn't here anymore. I can't just run into him at Paradigm or hang out with him when I go visit OU. I know that though he isn't here, he is in a place where true Joy reigns. Where he can be even more joyful than these pictures portray.

Oh Lord, I am so thankful that You conquered death so we could have eternal life and assurance that will sustain us through the hardest times here on Earth. You are so good. We love You and praise you, even in the hardest of times.

"For the righteous will never be moved, he will be remembered forever." Psalm 112:6

And you thought it was over?

Let me set the scene for you.

It was around 2000 years ago. The prophets of old had been foretelling for a long time the coming of a Messiah, a Savior who would set the people free from oppression. A child was born. This child grew up performing miracles and proclaiming he was the long awaited Savior. A camp of people began to believe his claims. They began to believe that he truly was the Savior foretold by God. This camp of people put all of their hope and trust in him to save them from their oppressors. The people at the time were very oppressed by their government. Their hope was in this proclaimed Savior to deliver them from their oppression, which they presumed to be the harsh government regime under which they lived. Another camp despised this man. They hated his claims that he was a savior, that he was the messiah proclaimed by God. They were jealous that he was gathering such a following and decided to have him killed. The jealous people were successful. They successfully got one of his good friends to betray him and eventually this "Messiah" was condemned to death on a Cross, the worst form of death possible. The man was beaten beyond recognition, his hands and feet were nailed to a Cross, scorned, condemned, and mocked. Then, the man proclaimed... it is finished. The man died.

Evil had won. It was over, it was finished.... the man said so himself. Those who put their hope in this "Messiah" had to be incredibly dejected. This man that they had spent years following and had given up all their material possessions (including family and friends ) to follow had let them down. He was crucified. He was dead. They were still under oppression. That was the end of hope for them. They had believed a lie, they had wasted their time following someone who didn't fulfill his end of the bargain. Depression set in. It was over. It was finished. Hope was lost.

Three days later, this man rose from the dead. He conquered death. Hope was restored! It wasn't over, it was merely beginning! This man proved Himself the Messiah and the Son of God that He claimed to be all along. Hope was restored! His followers were freed from oppression, though not the kind of oppression they expected to be freed from. His followers were able to rejoice! Their efforts, their sacrifices had not been in vain! Hope was restored!

Ever feel dejected and broken down? Ever feel like life just kicks you in the face? Ever choose to follow something only to feel like that choice wasn't worth it in comparison to everything you have given up for that choice?

HOPE WAS RESTORED! Don't give up. The Messiah, the Savior has risen from the dead! We can have faith in God's sovereignty and His plans in our life when things are incredibly hard because of this fact. The Savior has risen from the dead. He was not defeated and neither will we be. Don't give up. Don't lose hope. Focus on Him who conquered unbelievable odds for our redemption. We have the freedom to not falter in our faith, to trust that God knows what He is doing even when times are really really hard, because His Son conquered death.

The enemy is defeated. HOPE IS RESTORED!

A girly entry.... guys beware.

I am here typing on my computer because I am too lazy to write all this out. Ha, I love the speed of typing sometimes!

Okay, here is a good story. Listen up.

So, there is a boy. I like this boy. Through certain circumstances I now have surmised this boy might like me. Okay, this sounds so ridiculous...but there are good lessons to come, I promise. After surmising this boy liked me .... it was REALLY hard to guard my heart. I was living in anticipation. Being super girly and not being patient at all. I talked to a good friend today and that friend assured me that whoever God brings along for me, it will be worth waiting for. Now, I knew I would wait for this boy to initiate, if he decides to do so.... but the wait being worth it wasn't something I had quite considered. Waiting can be a joy, instead of just something to bear through. Affirming his manhood in waiting is worth it to me, whoever it is that decides to pursue me someday.


Also, I have realized that even if this guy likes me and never acts upon it.... God is trustworthy. God holds the hearts of kings in His hands. I trust His plan. He holds the heart of this guy in his hand and this guy trusts and listens to Jesus. If said guy is going to initiate something, it will be in His timing. If said guy never initiates anything, I am okay because God knows what He is doing. I think it was hard for me to overcome the fact that he perhaps likes me, yet may never do anything about it.... but even in that God is trustworthy. Seek first His kingdom and righteousness and all these things will be added to You.

God is trustworthy. God is good. I love Him!

Yay for being a girl and learning to trust God in waiting!


K-Rae

Rant....

"Teach us to be community, Jesus.
Teach us to be community.
Unify our hearts as one.
Unify our hearts as one." Ross King

What does community look like? It is something I have been pondering a lot lately and something I find very, very, very, very, very lacking in our American society. People here don't even know what true community looks like in order to seek after it. Those of us who have been truly blessed with genuine community, our hearts cannot forget it and our hearts cannot settle for less. I admit I miss it so. I miss being able to truly be yourself with someone, sins and all because you know they will extend the mercy and love of Jesus to you. I miss praying together with the girls in my life and really sharing our hearts and lives with one another. I miss the selfless love that comes from knowing the needs of others and being able to fill them. Oh what we are missing out on. "How beautiful is it when brothers dwell together in unity". We don't know what dwelling together looks like in this individualistic society of ours. Please help me to cultivate true community in those believers around me. Oh Jesus, by your mercy.... please teach us to be community.

Randon.... so random I can't even spell it correctly.

I have so many thoughts floating around in this head of mine, so these will just be "randon" bullet points of things I have been learning lately or thinking about lately....

*The overarching theme of these past couple of weeks is to seek God first and His Kingdom first and everything else will be added. I have been learning this as I struggle through what it looks like to possibly be graduating single and struggling through what friendship and community really looks like.

*I have realized more of the amazing and never-ending love of Christ. He did not make a mistake in choosing me for this impossible task. He wouldn't dare throw his pearls to the pigs and thus I know that He wouldn't give such a precious treasure (salvation) to someone He didn't mean to. He wants to do unthinkable and amazing things through me if I will just surrender and trust His divine choice, even though I so often feel unworthy.

*A fresh take on bread and wine. Last Sunday we took communion and I was overwhelmed at reality of His body and blood. His body and blood are what have sustained me through this past month or so - and that is moving beyond belief. I am so thankful for the tangible representation of communion that we are able to partake in to remember and rejoice in His sacrifice.

*God asking us to be obedient isn't because He is just some slave driver in the sky. He really desires our obedience because it is what is best for us as well as Him. Our true obedience is our true joy. Obedience isn't just done for the sake of obeying, it is done to take one step deeper into the heart of God.

Well, those are just a few "randon" thoughts. I hope they drew you closer to our glorious Dad!

Kels

A good quote from a good friend....

What I conclude then is that once God led the people to a place of abundant water, and once God led the people to a place where there was no water to drink. God authored each season the people passed through.

The same is true of us. With much water, and with none. God has brought us here. He has authored this season, and even if we can not see it, He has written mercy and wisdom and glory into this story.

Life and Death.

"For the righteous will never be moved, he will be remembered forever." Psalm 112:6

This is one of my favorite pictures of my dear brother, Brandon.  This was the day that the Projectors threw me a surprise birthday party.  There are a couple pictures of Brandon in back preparing the cake for me.  In each picture you can just see his excitement and his sweet spirit.  I love the pure joy in his face that was captured in this picture, especially since I didn't get to see it until after the fact (it was a surprise!).  It is such a beautiful picture of such a beautiful brother. 

I spent last summer with Brandon at Project Impact in Riverside, CA.  We went to the same Church each week, Pierpoint.  At first, I honestly didn't think I would like Brandon all that much.  He seemed really preppy and was from the Woodlands, so I just assumed that he was a rich, preppy, unapproachable guy.  The first weekend of Project we all went to the beach together.  I was in the car that Brandon was in on the way back and I just remember him talking about how he was shy and how hard Project had been for him because it was hard for him to get to know people.  His transparency in that moment changed my viewpoint of him and it was the beginning of a fabulous summer.  

Brandon was truly the star of Project.  If you could pick one guy or one girl who epitomized, understood, and lived out what Project was about - its goals and purposes for existence - it was Brandon.  At the end of the summer looking back the only way I could describe Brandon was like a sponge.  He, with joy and fervor, soaked up every ounce of Project.  He was completely, completely transformed by Project.  His life was dramatically altered because of his incredible teachablility.  I have never seen anyone exhibit such a willingness and excitement to learn.  One of the last nights of Project we were doing debriefing time.  We were all sitting around in a big circle in our living room.  We would go around the circle, choose one person, and the rest of the group would describe how they had been blessed by person or how they had seen that person grow during the summer.  When it was Brandon's turn to be talked about.... it was truly one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.  Every single person just raved about him.  By the end of his turn, he was crying, and we were all crying.  His life impacted ours so much.  

He was always willing to serve in any capacity.  There was a small group of us who went to Pierpoint Church together every week and when any need arose he was always the first to eagerly jump in and help.  Whether tables needed to be set up, bulletins folded, or sound equipment arranged Brandon always volunteered.  One Sunday they needed a couple people to help lead worship.  Brandon jumped right in and volunteered!  When asked later whether he had ever done that before he replied that he hadn't, but that they had asked him and that he had said yes :)  While he wasn't the world's best singer, he sure was a servant and I am pretty sure that counts for A LOT more in the end.  What a joy!  

His life impacted all of our lives at Project in a huge way and when he returned home, he didn't slow down!  He was a great witness at Seminole State where he went to college and during the last weeks of his life served at Falls Creek, where I am told his impact was just as incredible.  

I was overseas when Brandon died.  I can't even write that sentence without tears flooding my eyes and my hands shaking.  His death seems such a tragedy, but God is using it for His good.  When I arrived home and found out the news, I was just devastated.  Brandon was like a brother to me.  I mourn his death more than I would some of my earthly family because Brandon was True, heavenly family.  I lost a precious brother this summer and though God is so good the pain of that huge loss remains.  

The weeks following me finding out the news were some of the darkest weeks of my life.  I was dealing with Brandon's death, reverse culture shock, and processing through a hard summer spent overseas.  God is faithful though and moved in huge ways to show me His love and goodness.  

I went to Falls Creek to visit a couple friends who worked there.  While I was in the service I was just having a really hard time worshipping God the way that I should have been.  I was sitting down praying when the band began to play a song that I had never heard.  God really just used that song in my life to show me how much he loved me and that He orchestrated Brandon's death out of love.  He wasn't just a cold, uncaring, calculated God.  He was loving and compassionate and He really used that song to speak that Truth into my life.  Also, at Falls Creek I randomly ran into a couple of people that God knew I needed to see.  It was in His love that He gave me the gift of seeing them.  

A week or so later a friend came over to visit me.  We were online watching silly youtube videos when we came across this video.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Chx6s3qXKt4

You really should watch it. It's incredible. It is a video of John Mark McMillian. He is telling the story about his friend Stephen,

how Stephen died in a car crash, and how John Mark McMillian trusts that God will continue to use Stephen, even in his death,

to bring people to Christ. The day after Stephen died JMM wrote a song about the death of his friend. As he begins to play the

song, I realized that the song he wrote about his friends death is the same song that God really used at Falls Creek to show

me how much He loved me and how compassionate He truly was. Talk about incredible! It was totally God again showing

me that He was in control and that He does everything out of love. What a vivid and kind reminder!

He also brought me to the passage where Lazarus has just died and Jesus is about to raise him back to life. Mary and Martha

are angry with the Lord. They called for him and he did not come immediately. They tell him that if he would have come

sooner, their brother would not have died. I love that they were able to be so real with Jesus. That they didn't have to have

everything together. They were upset, they were sad, they were angry. He doesn't reprimand them (which I would expect)

but rather weeps with them and reminds them of the Truth. Right before raising Lazarus from the dead, Jesus asks Martha, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?" (John 11:40).  God really used this verse to show me that He still is the God who can raise from the dead, if He so desires.  And that above all, He desires His own glory.  If He wanted to raise Brandon from the dead, He could easily.... but raising Brandon from the dead is not what would bring him the most glory.  Using Brandon's life and death is what will bring Him the most glory.  It also really challenged me to believe and to have faith in that.  It was a promise that if I had faith in Him, that He would allow me to see His glory in Brandon's death... but that faith was a prerequisite and requirement.  What good Words!  

Just a few days ago I was really crying to God and asking Him for comfort. He led me to Psalm 139:11-12. The previous verses

are talking about the fact that we can't go anywhere from God. If you go to Heaven or Hell or the depths of the sea... anywhere

He is there. Then verse 11 and 12 say, " If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,  even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you."  God helped me to grab onto these verses as promise.  Even though I felt like darkness was completely surrounding me and that my hope was waning fast.... darkness is not even dark to Him!  Darkness is as light to Him!  He helped me to take these verses as my own and to realize that no matter how dark circumstances around me seem, they are as light to Him.  He will get me through.  Even though it doesn't make the trial less hard, it gives me hope and helps me to trust that He will bring me through.  What a great God we serve!  One who restores our hope when we think things are hopeless! 

My immediate prayers upon hearing about Brandon's death were that God would continue to use Brandon's life and death to bring people to Christ or closer to Christ and for the Project people who were still overseas who had not found out the news yet, especially his leader.  God reassured me through the John Mark McMillian video that the first prayer would come true.  That God will continue to use Brandon's life and death to bring people to Himself.  Since then I have been hearing stories, many stories exactly of that.  How Brandon's life and death have brought people to the Lord and closer to the Lord.  How incredible! 

God is sovereign.  He is in control of everything and He uses all things to work together for good.  His thoughts are higher and his ways are higher than our own.  He is in Heaven and He does what He pleases.  When we don't understand why things happen, it doesn't change the fact that He planned it and knows exactly what He is doing. 

God is also compassionate.  He is the comforter of those who mourn.  He weeps when we weep.  He does ALL things out of love.  Even darkness is not dark to Him.  

Pairing those two qualities together has made Brandon's death bearable.  He has given me words of Comfort and loving Arms to run to when I am hurting.  He is sovereign, compassionate, and good.  I believe He will continue to use Brandon's life and death to draw people closer to His kingdom.  

I hope that this "little" blog post has given you a picture of the Glory of God.  The glory of God that shone through Brandon's life, the glory of God in how He has helped me to deal with his death, and the glory of God in how He will continue to bring people into the kingdom through Brandon's life and death.  

We serve a glorious God.  Brandon served that glorious God in an outstanding way here on this Earth and is now enjoying His incredible presence.  May we be motivated by his life and death to finish our races well, as he did, so that we will be able to hear "Well done, good and faithful servant" at the end of our days, whenever that may be.  

discombobulation ....

I am back!

I think there is some unspoken rule of blogging that you can only write entries every couple of weeks or so.  

I am breaking it. 

Take that. 

When I cannot feel

When my wounds don't heal

Lord I humbly kneel

Hidden in You

Lord, You are my life

So I don't mind to die

Just as long as I

Am hidden in You

If I could just sit with You a while

If You could just hold me 

Nothing could touch me

Though I am wounded 

Though I die

If I could just sit with You a while

I need You to hold me

Moment by moment til' forever passes by

When I know I've sinned

When I should have been

Crying out, my God,

And hidden in You

Lord, I need You now

More than I know how 

So I humbly bow

Hidden in You

Happenings....

*God is so good and is slowly but surely drawing me back to Himself and revealing more of His goodness to me. 

*Learning to learn more about myself and others.  I now carry a little 'personality' notebook with me and when I learn things about other's personalities, likes/dislikes, or love languages I can jot it down.  

*Trying to finish strong in a semester that I didn't even start strong.  Ha, oh the goodness of God. 

*Learning so much more about His UN-RELENTLESS love for me.  He just won't give up on me! 

*Falling harder than the first time.  (Thanks Barlowgirl for that word picture) 

*Learning to love and find joy in being disciplined and following 'rules'.  They aren't bad medicine - they are mercifully given to me so that I can be closer to Him and His presence.  

*Realizing how much of a words of affirmation person I am.  Trying to have a tough skin and soft heart.  

Anyways, I think that is all for now.  I am delaying the inevitable of studying :)  Again.  What was that I said about discipline?  Haha.  

Dreams...

So, I should be studying.  Instead I am taking a much needed break and writing about my hopes and dreams.  I just can't be quiet about them anymore.

I dream about going to Antarctica.  I want some place that is cold and secluded and that I can be alone with a penguin.  I want to find a little cave where I can shack up, just me a penguin and have a grand old time.  I think baby penguins are adorable and have watched parts of 'March of the Penguins' and I can't wait for it to be my turn.  I hear penguins like chocolate bars and I suspect they really like snickers so I will take a stockpile of snickers with me.  Just to warm up my little penguin's heart when the Antarctic cold might get to my penguin.  I dream of lots of joyous activities with my penguin, including sled rides, fort building, and mushing with our very own sled dogs.  I watched a movie about penguins once and learned a lot.  I learned that that have mating dances.  I hope this is how I find my little penguin.  

Dance, penguin, dance.  

Weekend in review....

This weekend summed up in 3 words. 

God is good. 

This weekend I 

-laughed alot

-cried alot

-got to see old friends

-got to make new friends

-had a really hard weekend

-had a really good weekend. 

God is good.  That's it and that's all.  

(And it's not just for decoration) 

A thimble of foam....

Jesus, I want to write something beautiful for You.

A melody that sings loudly the notes of sweet harmony with Yourself that the Cross allows.

A strong satire that mocks satan's grasp in my life. 

A love poem that proclaims your love for the unlovely.

A whimsical tale about the way you whisk me away to a land more real than my current surroundings, a fairy tale ending here and now. 

An acrostic that spells out just exactly how the Cross has changed me. 

A story as moving as the way You have moved me from death to life.  

Oh, but Lord my words will never be able to express the beauty of who You are or what You have done for me.  My creativity is only a mirror of Your own. 

Though my thoughts originate in You, may my meager words bring You glory and joy.  

Yes, please.

Not here at the moment, out searching for something I lost. Please leave a message after the beep.

"No, after Rachel left for college there was a hole, I mean you know, no more homework, no more little league, recitals, school plays, kids crying, fights, skinned knees.  And for the first time in 40 years I looked at Virginia without all the noise, without all the distractions, and I couldn’t remember what it felt like when I could not walk down the street without holding her hand.  She was the same woman I fell in love with, she hadn’t changed, but somehow everything was different.  We had lost something along the way, ya know?" - Carter 

I never intended this blogspot to be a heavy gaze into my soul and struggles, but as late my soul and struggles have been heavy so I guess this my faithful reader is what you get.  

The above quote comes from the movie The Bucket List.  Carter is a terminally ill older man who decides to travel the world and accomplish things that he has always wanted to do before he passes away.  In this instance Carter is discussing his current relationship with his wife and why he chose to go on this trip rather than to be with her in his dying days.  

This quote struck a chord with me and I can't stop thinking about it.  I will leave you here to draw whatever implications from this quote that you desire for your life and my own.  I am not in much of a talkative mood tonight.  I will leave you to figure it out on your own.  Have fun :)

Such a long hard war...

I have been thinking a lot about grace lately, mainly because God has been revealing to me more than ever the depth of my sin nature.

As a friend wrote in his song about sin, "It's such a long hard war..."

Many days I choose to sit in a prision of my own self-inflicted punishment because I feel I am not worthy of this freely given grace.

Even in those moments His love washes over me as a waterfall pours over the rocks beneath.

His love is relentless and will not give up on me, even when I give up on myself.

I do as I am told...

Recently I have been told to ...

*Write a new blog post and 

*Change my font. 

The question is, will I do both of these things? 

I guess I just give in to peer pressure too easily. 

Hope you guys are happy! 

Musical Journey.....

Want to go on a trip?  A trip through my past couple of weeks via music?  Buckle up :)

The Progression goes as such:

The call from the Lord.  The realization that my life needed to change for Him.  The questioning of whether He was enough or not....

Way Back into Love, Hugh Grant and Haley Bennett 

Surrender, Barlow Girl

Strong Enough, Stacie Orrico

Then comes the fight.  The fight that lasted far too long....

I'm a fighter, Supernatural and Choklate

Someone Else's Arms, Mae 

I can't get no Satisfaction, Stones

The surrender and all the joy that comes with :)  

Welcome Home, Sean Groves 

I got You, Third Day 

Own Me, Ginny Owens

Life

I have been realizing lately that frankly my walk with the Lord is not where it needs to be.  Let me tell you a little story.  Well, if you want to read it for yourself in the Word, read Hosea 2.  It's my story.  

After Ryan and I broke up things in my life were incredibly hard for about a year and a half.  Things with my family, things with him, things with school....everything seemed incredibly hard.  Well, of course I longed for comfort.  I asked for it so much so that God gave it to me (Be careful what you ask for, He might give it... Numbers 11).  The price of which I received that comfort though was very high.  I had to choose comfort over true fellowship with my King.  

Since then I have craved comfort so intensely.  Things in my life since then have been pretty calm, but in the midst of my comfort He helped me to realize that He was missing.  He who had provided the grain and wine that I so comfortably lived off of was not being praised.  In fact, I was committing adultery against my Gracious Provider.  

Thank the Lord that He has begun to woo me back into His presence.  I really am terrified of what life will look like for me in the next couple of months because I have been living such a predictable and comfortable life that the unknown of who He is scares me, but nothing else is more worthwhile. 

Your prayers in this time will be incredibly coveted as He refreshes me with His presence and tears down all the idols I have constructed in my life.  

A good passage to describe this time in my life:  Hosea 2 

A good song to describe this time in my life:  Welcome Home, Shawn Groves

Scared to stop running....

Running is a favorite pastime of mine.

I have been running for a long time.  

Running wears you out, but sometimes it is hard to stop. 

I am tired, but running is what I know.  

Oh how I missed you.

I am so excited to have a blog again! I forgot how much I enjoyed it :)

Oh and for those of you waiting in suspense.... the answer is yes. Yes please, E. Asia.

Just say no!

Get rid of the drama in your life people! (And by people I mean this is a lesson I am learning currently!)

When we focus on the drama in our lives it is yet another way to put ourselves on the pedestal and to think about ourselves rather than the Lord.

I don't want to focus on the drama in my life anymore, I want to focus on the Divine and Sovereign Orchestrator.

Super friend!

So, my super friend Sarah made me this blog!  :)  She tells me I need to blog more.  Well, here I am.  I am pretty excited about this sweet site she set up for me.  :)  I have no excuse not to blog now, except for lack of time ...which is the excuse of every living being.

  I think we should give super friend Sarah a super power.  Any suggestions?